Grrrl211's Blog

It’s been a long three weeks, but even though I’m still coughing up a lung I think I’m ready for life again. I got a good deal of feedback over my last post, some loved it, some might have said I was being melodramatic to put it nicely. All in all, I don’t give a fuhhh! I write what I write because I can, because I feel it, because it’s in my blood. daaang. But on everything, it’s a blog. Get with it.

Right now, I just kinda woke up from a nice nap. It was quite frankly too short but I knew that if I kept sleeping I’d never wake up, and I have 3 essays to write. By Thursday. ughh! I have too much on my mind, I’m trying to make sense of it but it’s hard since my mind is basically like infinite lol. I should write some of it down, but I guess that’s what I’m doing? As of right now I’m just getting in my writing mood, listening to some tunes I haven’t heard in a cool minute. See my ex had a band, and even though at the time people thought I was into their music solely cus of my ex, it’s actually a good band. They have talented band members. The music pumps me up! Fuck it, right?

So today I went to venice beach and got to hang out with my girlfriends. It was super nice, the weather had something about it where it reminded me of a day that I had perhaps already lived. The air was cool and the temperature just right. I “bumped” into my homies at the henna shop. Cesar and Tonio. It was chill, we talked about some tats I have been thinking of getting forever. One my dandylion and two the pirate girly from the hi lifes. I want a dandylion because when I was young they were my fave flower to pick because you got to make a wish right? that’s how the story goes? I used to use any wishes I got when I was a kid to wish for immortality because I’ve always been scared of death, that was until I started getting older and the idea of watching everyone I love die before me scared me shitless. Even more than death. I guess I’m just a weenie, I guess I’m just scared of being in so much pain that it causes me death. All of this comes to mind when I think of a dandylion, this and how now a dandylion equals danger..gross danger if I were to blow one while wearing lip gloss. Gives me nasty furry lips. But that shit didn’t faze me when I was young, I just wanted my wishes. I just wanted to be immortal. Anyways, the pirate girl is totally for kicks. Because hi lifes are cheap and a part of my youth. Who didn’t feel cool with a 32 and a bag of hot Cheetos.  Anyways, so it was chill we packed some bowls (even though I said I wouldn’t because I’m still sick), it’s cool though. I watched Tonio paint some calaveras and attempt to sell them. I also tried convincing him to hypnotize me, but he said no lol. Oh, and I got to hold his giant lizard or iguana…whatever. I started fighting it… apparently they’re not like dogs and get easily annoyed.. So then Pedro shows up. I haven’t really talked to him since I was in 9th…10th grade? I’m not quite sure but it has been yeeears, fer sure. It was kind of strange. The way time changes people, the way time doesn’t change people. Here I was sitting with the kids who were my first friends in high school. Funny. We almost looked the same as we did before. Awkward, skinny and under the influence. I think I matured  a lot more though. A LOT MORE.

So speaking of the devil, I totally got a message on facebook from my ex. I’m not going to spend too much time on it, but I will acknowledge it only because it bugs me. It bugs me that he went on to point out that I look happy. Like it bothered him or something. What’s so wrong with being happy? I wish him nothing but happiness. Whatever. So not only does it seem to bug him that I’m happy but he has to put his two cents in about WHY I’m happy. apparently I’m with my new boyfriend for money. HA. Please. I’d never ever be that shallow. The material things guy have to offer me means nothing to me. You’d think that after 4 years of being with HIM, he’d know that right? Things are nice, put I value real emotions. I value conversations, affection, and knowing that you have someone who truly has your back. That’s all I ever ask for, realness. All I ever wanted was someone to be legit with me. I’m not perfect, but I’m this that and this. I’m not perfect, but I know I’m not a gold digger. I’m not perfect, but I know I never deserved to be put in the situations he put me through. So, to clear things up. I’m with my new boyfriend because he makes me happy. His words of encouragement, his jokes that make me laugh forever, his smile, his scent that gets stuck on me after we hang out, his soft hands even though he’s a hard worker…. Those are some of the reasons why I’m with him. Why I’m in love. Not his money. Not the pretty things he buys me. When I love,I love never expecting something in return. I feel what I feel regardless of how others feel. It makes a difference, I’m not saying I’m immune to others. However, my true feelings can only be altered so much by outsiders. It almost hurts that he thinks that of me. But what can I expect from someone who put my past on blast just to hurt me, from someone who broke me down just to build me up to his liking. I’m beyond this. My only fault is that I care. I wish him the best.  I wish that he could understand that all the hurt in the world that we endured doesn’t make it real. I wish that he could understand what’s done is done and that memories can sometimes bend the truth, that your own stubborness can stop you from being happy. I think the wisest decision I’ve made was to walk away. Why fight, why spend your days worrying about whether someones faithful or not, why live your life trying to have the winning word in the next argument. I don’t care that people might think I’m too young to know what I’m talking about because I think I’ve learned now at the young age of 21 what others still haven’t learned. I think people get lost in the rationality of things by mixing it with stereotypes of what love is supposed to be. When it’s love, you know it’s love.

As for myself. I’ve decided I’m going to save this Spring semester. I only really need to purchase my mic for my podcast that I want to do. I was also thinking of a new phone but I don’t think I really NEED that. I wish I had the money to buy a shitload of stationary lol. I think I’m going to give myself projects to do during the spring time. Develop some new hobbies. Read some new books.  I’d love to get some volunteering done, particularly in the field of domestic violence. I need to actually start exercising. I think since my illness made me lose weight I have it easy now lol. I just gotta run! Do some ab work here and there.

Both my best friends are going to be giving birth at any freaking moment now. Intense. I love them. I miss them. I’m happy for them.

Say what you mean and mean what you say. There’s nothing I hate more than fake pretences. I don’t want to find out something later, that I could have found out now. I don’t like to be treated as if I’m ignorant to facts, as if I don’t know what’s up. I guess I’m just throwing that out there. I don’t like it when people are sneaks. I guess lately I’ve been feeling as if someone has something up their sleeves for me. Wether it’s planned or not. Don’t let me down. Duece, if any one gets in the way of my happiness I’m going to punch your face in. For lack of better words. Don’t mess with my reality, it’s not fair. It’s not right.

Highly considering what career I’d like to pursue in the long run. I love radio… I love writing… I love talking. Networking in 2011 is going to be a must. It has to start soon. Spring.

I got some reading done, I got my blogging done. I’m proud. All I kinda wish I had now was some body heat. It’s kind of cold in my apartment.  I’ve moved on from my pump it up music, some relaxing  johnny thunders always hits the spot.