Grrrl211's Blog

So for the past two effing weeks I’ve been dying. I’ve been cursing my immune system to immune system hell, and taking at least about 4 different types of drugs to cure my countless of symptoms. I’ve gone through at least 4 TP rolls, over 6 packs of tissues, drank more water than I’ve drunk in a year, and I’m starting to feel like these cough drops have substituted my meals.  I had to miss work today and I feel super guilty because I’ve had like 3 days off already and I really need the money.

And to make matters worse I’m PMS-ing like there’s no tomorrow. I’m almost convinced that I’m suffering from PMDD.  I feel like crying over everything and I don’t feel like doing all the things I usually do… I hate it. I hate feeling sad, it’s just not my style. This sudden feeling of inadequacy takes over and I just wish it would go away. I’m feeling so vulnerable right about now and I really do wish (as lame as it sounds) that I could just hold on to my boyfriend and have him tell me he loves me. I feel as if life is passing me by and I have no clue as to what I want to do with myself. My goals seem sooo close.. yet so far and I wish life wasn’t as hard for me. Don’t get me wrong, I’m grateful. I’m grateful for every obstacle that has taught me a lesson for every freeebie that has been tossed my way. But for once I would like to not worry about money, I would like to be able to buy a plane ticket to leave the country, I would like to drive a nice car and not be paranoid about the police, I would like to receive a nice FAFSA check to help me with school, I would like to do so many things that people take for granted.

I did a video blog earlier this week, and well the quality is just plain shitty… It was done with my webcam so go figure. I’ve been contemplating whether I should upload it or not… mainly because it’s long, and I don’t know if anyone will actually sit through it.. But I really don’t feel like going back and writing about what I talk about.. I’m not lazy, It’s just my memory is bad and I don’t think I can re-capture the essence of what I meant to say about my adventures.  So i guess I’ll upload it for kicks. (*ten mins later: I guess I never saved it -_- greeeeeat.)

Well even though there’s so much more I’d like to get off my chest, I guess It’d be best if I hit the sack. Even though I’d rather stay up and just write, really my writing is all I have.. It’s what separates me from the rest. Not in a “I’m better than you” kinda way, more like “I rather write then put up a front of being a bad ass and hide my feelings” kinda way… I’ve been listening to Belle and Sebastian and thinking about high school.. about all the things I would have done differently… But it’s never too great of an idea to think about the past… especially when it’s as complicated as mine. It only brings nostalgia and tears. But then again it could just be my severe pms-ing.